New Years Eve - 2011

When Jeff passed away, everyone was telling me how hard the first year is, and the second year is no better. Part of me didn't really believe them. I mean, come on! All the "firsts" are out of the way. We survived the first Christmas, first birthdays, etc. How can it be just as tough the second year. Well, it is, it just is. I think it is because so many people seem to think "hey, it's been over a year, she should be doing fine"! For the most part, I agree. I think I am doing okay. The girls are doing great in school this year, my teaching year is better (helps that the Gr. 7s this year are AMAZING!) I have even "put myself out there" and started considering dating. (we'll see how that works out). But, its still tough. I would love to be at home right now, ringing in the new year with Jeff. I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine, feeling really numb - that might be the anti-depressants as well - alone. I want him to be sitting here next to me, either complaining about the fact that there is nothing on t.v (now that the hockey games are over) or ask me to turn the heat down because he is so hot. I want him to ask me to go get him some water, or a snack, or call for me from downstairs asking to play Wii with him and the girls. I just really want him back. I don't want to think about moving forward, I don't want to date. I want him here, to sweep me off my feet, to give me a toe hug, or smush me. I don't care that it is the second New Year's Eve, I miss him and want him back!!!!!

1 Year and still breathing!

So, the one year date has come and gone. We didn't do anything special on that day. We had a bbq the next day. One thing that has really struck me is that I still miss Jeff like crazy! I still rush home after an exciting day, only to remember that he is not here in my house to share it with, then I realize that he has been with me the whole time, sharing in the excitement. Another thing that hit me was that I can think of him and remember him without crying, I don't feel guilty when I am having fun with the girls and he is not there. It does still make me sad to know that my two new nieces or nephews will never get to know him. They won't get to feel his hair (like Ben and Elly always did), they won't get to hear his laugh, or watch him light up when they walk into the room. That's what still sucks, he isn't here to experience it, he gets to experience it in Heaven!

Homesick - by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

The Beach

Hi Honey,
So, I took Khali and Sarah to the beach today. It was SUPER hot! Don't worry, I drank lots of water and kept reapplying the sunscreen, so I didn't burn! I have to say, I thought I saw you there today. I saw a guy who looked just like you. He was wearing the type of swim shorts you had, and he had a hat similar to the one you wore to Gimli! It was really weird to see "you" at the beach. As Sarah and I were commenting on how much he looked like you, a dragonfly came and hovered right around us. That was a nice reminder that you are in heaven waiting patiently for us. I look forward to seeing you again one day! I love you.

Hi Jeff

Man, do I miss you. This summer has not been the same. I wake up without having someone harass me about how late I slept (you would be proud of me though, I have not really been sleeping past 9). I celebrated my birthday without you, which should not have been hard. I mean, our girls who are much younger have done it, so why is it such a big deal for me. One thing I should say is that I'm sorry. I have really been feeling a lot of regret as of late. Regret for things I didn't say to you, things I didn't do. I know you should never regret anything in life, I just feel like I kept putting things off. I should have told you every day that you are the love of my life, that you mean more to me than anyone ever will. You were my first true love and I will never forget you. I know that you never made a big deal of birthdays, and sometimes that bothered me, but this year I realized that you gave me two of the best gifts I could have ever asked for, Khali and Nyah. Every day I see them, I am reminded of you and the love and life we shared. They are like you in so many ways! So honey, I love you, miss you and wish you were still here (I know that is selfish, you are in a much better place). Just know that.

Jeff's List

So, my birthday is on Monday. The first one without Jeff. Here is a list of things he would NOT say/do:

1)Buy me clothes
2)give me flowers
3)forget that it is my birthday.

Short list, this list of what he WOULD say/do is much longer, probably says a lot about the type of husband he was, always thinking about me:

1)why don't you go for breakfast with your sisters today?
2)who should we invite to your birthday bbq. I'll cook ribs!
3)why don't we go shopping and you can pick out some clothes. That will be your gift from me!
4)I won't buy you flowers, I'd rather take you shopping.
5)He would make me coffee and toast for breakfast, and let me sleep in. I would hear him telling the girls to let me sleep in!

Finally, and most importantly, he would say this:
"Happy birthday honey, I love you!" Those are the words I will miss the most this year.

Happy Fathers Day Jeff

This Blog is to Jeff, the love of my life!
Jeff, we miss you. I miss you. We miss your hugs, your laugh, you telling us the best way to do things. So many things have continued on, Khali played basketball again this fall, and it was good. She played really well, she reminded me of you so many times. She is so determined to do her best and not let anyone down. She passed her level 5 swimming, and she is going to play not one but two duets at the piano recital on monday. Everything she does, she tries her best. She never gives up, even though she may feel totally defeated.
Nyah is amazing! She has grown so much. She also played basketball this fall, you would have been so proud of her! In one game, she scored 6 baskets, even though one was in their own basket! She really tried hard, always thinking about advice you might have given her. She also passed her swimming level, she is now moving on to level 4! You would not believe how grown up she is. She is always helping Lisa with the kids, they both are. You would be so proud of the young ladies the girls are turning into.
Sarah is 16 now. She went to Europe and had a great time. She also went to Banff with her school band. She is getting her license in August, which I can't believe. She is a really good driver, careful, but still confident. You put that confidence into her! She also is trying new things, she went dragonboat racing with her school. She said she had a really good time!
Ben is always talking about you, he loves cars, and keeps asking when you are coming back to play cars with him. Elly sees your picture and she smiles, I suppose it will be our stories that gives her the memories she has.
With the help of Mark, Rob, Richard and my dad, we finished the flower bed in the back and front yard. I went and bought rocks, and we put it along the fence. I think you would really like it, it looks really good. I bought a new car, which was hard. I know you really like the "beast", but gas went up and the three of us didn't really need all that truck! The house is holding up, so that is good. I'm getting an alarm installed in July. Emotionally, I think I'm okay. I don't cry as much as I have, but I do miss you like crazy. I lay in bed at night wishing that you were here so I could hear your snoring, or your pump going off. I also wish we could be arguing one more time about the blankets, or the heat or whatever. I feel like I took you for granted when you were here, and I am so sorry. I loved you and still love you more than life itself. I know you know that. Just remember that.
You would be so proud of your girls, you left a legacy of living life to the fullest, enjoy the moment you are in and never give up. Every time we see a picture of you or a dragonfly we are reminded of that. I'm taking the girls to the Ex tomorrow, that is what they wanted to do, but before that, we are going to send some balloons up to you. I hope you find them, and look down on us, just a little, so we know for that moment that you are there, in the same place with us, hugging us!
Love you Jeff, I will love you forever.